Eyes Wide Open pt 3: Coming Out Of The Closet


a confession and reckoning


I’m not proud to be Jewish anymore, though I am inescapably Jewish and must learn what that means each day.
There is great pain in being a conscious Jew when the paradigm has shifted, and the Jewish people now engage in that thing we were warned to never do—oppress the different, the ‘stranger’ in our midst. In the shadow cast by the Holocaust, rages a civil war, where the mightiest of us are crushing the neediest, when extremism and fascism masquerade as “G-d”.
I can’t keep my children from knowing who they are, because there’ll be people who do know—even if they dont. My children have Israeli names. They mix up their two languages, English and Hebrew, reading and writing English words from right to left. They open their books from the back cover. They begin each story with its ending. They search for the meanings of things, in things– they search for the words beneath the words.
My first child was born in an unrecognized settlement, nestled in there with the Jewish terror cells of the Judea and Samaria district. The hands of a domestic terrorist pulled my baby from out of my birth canal and held him while I bled out. His conception, gestation, and birth occured among thorns and stinging nettle. Our birth blood mixed with the blood of the thousands others of oppressed and murdered in the land of warring ancestors bearing birthrights and promises. Our placenta along with towels of my blood were dumpstered– thrown into the Holy Land’s land fill.

Throughout the early years, I was told by friends, family, and strangers that the name of my firstborn carries inside it a destiny of peace and deep sadness, that his hands are for repairing the world around him, for doing the hard work, the kind of hard work that few of the toughest worldly warriors and sages would want to do. The work requires humility, it is a toil of the heart and an emotional labour, it requires knowing when one is called to task, not merely the confession or admission of wrongs.
My children (are they really mine?) must learn to shoulder the weight of ancestral choices and their own choices. This is really part of what being Jewish entails. It’s inescapable. It’s goddamned. They will always be exposed, their eyes will give them away. In my childrens’ eyes is the ancient anxiety, the sad but hopeful gaze of generations of grandfathers and grandmothers– Jews who braved terrible odds with terrible choices.

I do not want to rear my children to be ‘self hating’ Jews. I want to rear humans who are accountable in a world that sees our Jewish shadow and all of our fuck-ups and attempts to evade responsibility. The world eye is diligently taking note as we shrink back from our trespasses and mistakes with narcissistic apologetics, spirituality, intellectualism, and the logic of ‘assimilation’, ‘capitalism’, ’empirialism’ ‘survivalism’, ‘science’, and ‘religion’.
As a Jew, I’m here to bare witness…

There is no messiah.
To swing the fate of humanity, the fate of suffering, of individual choice on a door marked ‘redemption’ is the conscious gouging out of eyes. At the other turn, claiming atheism in attempt to evade the suffering that comes with being a people afflicted by people who want us dead, further obscures an otherwise clear vision, a vision that is needed for making reparations, for saying “NEVER AGAIN…..FOR ANYONE ELSE” and truly meaning it. We are a people DEFINED by having a God! Whether or not there are those of us who reject God, is irrelevant. The world will always define Jews by a diety for better, for worse, whether or not those of us have excommunicated ourselves or been exiled, or chose not to have a “community”.
Collectively, we forget that we are killed by our attempted subversion of this reality– century after century. Collective Jewish trauma induces a cancerous amnesia. We forget that we’ve always afflicted and murdered our own, and in the last 75 years, hurried to drag the corpses of our victims under Zionism’s shag rug (“Mount Zion”?).
In this time, human neurology has evolved greatly– now a result of over 200,000 years of genetic mutations, it has matured. IMG_2420

We can acknowledge the mind as a paradox of frailty and superhuman strength. And, in realizing our capacity for consciousness and conscience, what need is there of a God? How does the God Concept benefit our species biologically?


Now, the last struggle is ideaology, the replacement for Diety in the age of technology and science.


When the brain no longer benefits from a collective conceptualization of a God, Higher Order, or Supreme Power to protect and avenge humans and their interests, are we left to quarter and devour ourselves by our own means, finally conscious of our actions and unable to hide from our thoughts?
Could it be that this is what salvation actually means?
We’re coming out of the closet.

We’re exposed and facing ourselves.




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